Dressing them, feeding them, washing them and putting them to bed …
Let’s go back to the introduction and the comedian’s joke of the four things you need to do with children: ‘get them dressed, feed them, wash them and put them to bed’. Doing this – being a parent – might not be the picnic you envisaged, but I hope it will be easier when you do the following things:
– You put aside any blocks from your own childhood that inhibit your warmth and acceptance, physical touch, physical presence and understanding.
– You create a safe, harmonious home environment where differences can be worked through safely.
– You accept your child needs play with people of all ages, soothing experiences and a lot of your attention and time.
– You can see situations from your child’s point of view as well as your own.
– You can help your child’s need to find ways to express how they really feel (rather than how you wish they felt), and you can validate and attempt to understand their feelings (and your own).
– You don’t rush in to rescue them but help them find their own solutions by allowing them to brainstorm to come up with answers to their problems and not being in a rush to tell them what to do.
– You put down your boundaries by defining yourself rather than telling them what they are like.
– You accept that you will make mistakes. You can be non-defensive about those mistakes and repair the situation by owning the mistake and making any necessary change.
– You put aside old dynamics like winning and losing and instead take up cooperation and collaboration.
In other words, you treasure your relationship with your child because you know a safe, loving, authentic, accepting relationship with you is what they need above all else.
Remember: when there is a problem, do not just concentrate on the child and do not think the problem just lies with them. Look at your relationship and what’s happening between you. That’s where you’ll find your answer.
These general rules apply whatever your age and whatever the age of your child.
What is amazing is that, despite all the mistakes we make, all the love we hold back from giving, all the anger we dump on our child, all the times we rush them and all the times we hide from them or make ourselves unavailable to them or don’t trust them when we should, or refuse to see things from their standpoint, or overidentify and merge with them and don’t allow them to separate, or ask too much of them, we are still bonded to them and they to us.
It’s reassuring that we can make that bond better and stronger by being honest and brave enough to repair any ruptures, by being forgiving of ourselves and realizing that we all do our best. We can help and encourage them to aim for what they wish and hope and dream about. And we can believe in them. And I believe in you.